Confessions of a Saint Conquered by Love – Part 1

February 18, 2011


The Father fixed his gaze on me,
Foreknew my soul that I should be
At first ashamed before his face,
And then a vessel for his grace;
– John Piper

Lord, in your Word it says that you chose me before the foundation of the word. In the darkness of the beginning, when I only existed as a thought in your mind you wrote my name in a book, in the book of your Son, the Book of the Lamb that Was Slain. You knew how black my sins were to be, how much I would rebel against your name, how many countless days and nights I would grieve your Spirit but you chose to love me. You put my sins on your Son. You turned your back on him for a moment so that you could look to me forever as your son.

Lord, it is by your strength I stand and it is by your strength I breathe life, faith.

It was almost 3 years ago you reached out and washed away my sins. I felt the blackness drip from my heart and I finally knew what they meant when they said that you were Love. I asked so many times before then “whither shall I go?” The burden of my sin on my soul grew bigger and bigger as my legs sunk into the deep. I was drowning in the pit but you saw my sorrow and you felt pity on me. You pulled me from the mire and washed the blackness from me. No one pointed me to you but you came to me and pulled the burden off of my back and set it firmly on your Son.

Oh Lord how free I felt! That Summer I went with my sister to Lancaster and as I rode my ATV through the desert of this world I looked up at the clouds, at the incoming storm, the storm of your grace, and I sang in my heart a song of freedom. I knew nothing about you but I knew if I was to die at that moment I would see the beauty of your face, I would see your smile and I would join the choir of the saints to sing of your beauty for all ages.

But Lord, I felt paralyzed. I esteemed my righteousness more than yours. You had given me everything but I still sought to preserve my own morals above yours. I had a girlfriend and I promised myself I would never leave her. She did not have faith in you. Out of unbelief I fasted to change your will but you struck me hard. You showed me that your will was not for me to be tied to an unbeliever. I hardened my heart to stick to my beliefs but you in your majesty separated us. She hardened her heart to me and I had no choice but to leave her and trust in you.

Lord, if those who esteem choice above your will were correct I would never have seen Your beauty, but you saw the danger I was in. You saw the depth of my depravity and out of your good you set my feet on your Rock.

Lord, I pray that you will bless this site, that as lowly as it is it may serve to magnify the glory of your great name. Lord, grant me the blessing of an unwasted life and work through me to bless those who stumble here to read the thoughts of your servant.

 

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